Welcome to the RTC Blog!

In today’s fast-paced and often divided world, it’s easy to note our disconnection and potentially become isolated. This blog aims to create a virtual space where therapists from the Relational Therapy Collaborative can share words of interest and support, alert individuals to specific offerings within the clinic and our larger community, and offer insights and suggestions on books and media that underpin our current practices.

My name is Shawn.  I created this clinic in 2018 when I split off from my previous practice.  At that time, I was an adjunct instructor at the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Saint Mary’s University of Minnesota. One of my continuous areas of study and interest was on the impact of the different identities on how we self-percieve and self-regulate and what happens when various aspects of SELF (parts of our personality that are created by lived experiences, how we define ourselves, how others assign identities onto us, as well as a dash of personal and collective traumas) start to show signs of being unable to cooperate and play nicely within ourselves.  I tell my clients, ‘Think of the Disney Pixar film Inside Out.’ …That is the type of therapy experience you will get with Shawn.  I want to know about every voice that is in your head, because they are all valid, sound, and may hold the answer, even if it is not so clear in this present moment.  While I did not know this art or quote when I opened the clinic, it speaks perfectly to what I had been hoping to achieve when I started seeking out therapists to create this healing community.

 

Here is an example from my personal life.  People tell me that I am a good listener and someone methodical and measured when solving problems.  People have told me that I give the impression of someone who is genuinely listening and considering multiple layers of context and implications.  Numerous people have commented that my partner and I must never have any conflict or that it must be great to have me as a friend because of how connected or intuitive I am.  The answer, much to their surprise, is “yeah….not so much”.  You see…I believe that many of the parts of me that make me empathetic, good at attending to the needs of others, and wickedly funny to de-escalate any potential drama are also born out of and tied directly to the parts of me that are super private and reluctant to be vulnerable (Thus why I am writing this first blog about me….trust the process, right?).  I HAVE developed the skill set of deeply listening, attuning to others, and co-regulating…and while that makes me a great therapist for some people, it is also my crutch, my kryptonite.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been so interested and involved in someone’s story that I pull entirely out of the relational moment and do not offer anything substantive about myself.  Nothing encapsulates this better than when a dear friend of over a decade was discussing some of the trials and tribulations of owning a specific anxious dog, and I offered some insights from the various dogs I had lived with over the years.  My friend almost pulled the car over as we were driving and asked, “Why am I just finding out now that you have had multiple dogs in your life, and why did you need to feel the need to keep that so close to your vest like it is a top secret government factoid?”  I was busted!  Why did I not share these things?  Did I think people would not care?  Do I hate to make things about me and draw attention away from others?  Do I not want to be seen as an expert on anything?  Am I programmed to trust no one with any morsel of information?  Hard to say, but I do know that my life experiences gave me the impression that keeping things close to the vest and private gave me the illusion that I was in control and would be less likely to be hurt, rejected or ridiculed.  Is that true?  Who knows…but it seemed to work for my system.  Except, in the long run, it potentially alienated people I truly cared about and actually reduced my actual safety and security by potentially sending the message to others that I do not rely on, trust, or need them.  That privacy part was trying to protect me and was doing a great job…until I outgrew that skill and needed a different one.  A skillset of a more evolved Shawn who listened and considered others, AND then opened up and allowed others to hear and consider me.  That is why, when I saw the sidewalk art quote that I posted above, I felt the draw to share it with you all.  It spoke to me.  Is this not what we are all attempting to do each day?  Be mindful you were doing the best with what you had…be grateful for the you that got you here.

 

Image attributed to https://www.threads.com/@poetrybyboots found at Minnehaha Ave and 39th St E in Minneapolis